Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Open Letter of Apology to Bobby
Dear Bobby,
Please accept my apology for dragging your good name through the mud.
After we spoke yesterday it became clear that I acted in a manner that may have been hurtful. So, after apologizing to you over the phone for hurting your feelings I wanted to send a letter numerating how I have wronged you.
Things I am apologizing for:
1. The often and frequent insinuations that I may have had inappropriate relations with the maternal side of Bobby's family.
2. The inappropriate relations that I had with Bobby himself.
3. The insinuation that Bobby's maternal side may have sexually contracted diseases
4. The frequent jokes about bobby being a butt doctor. In reality, Bobby is a neurosurgeon. He just enjoys butt play.
5. The sarcasm of this apology letter; its not my fault. I am truly sorry. I just have a difficult time expressing myself sincerely.
6. Bobby's poor choice in who he chooses to be friends with.
7. The insidious insinuation that Bobby has sexual relations with pets.
8. The Day of Rage. I apologize to all the innocents who were harmed by the ensuing mayhem after I declared that there be a day of rage.
9. The entire concept of Free Ethan.
Things I am not apologizing for:
1. Everything that I said up to the point of Bobby banishing me from further posting in the league. This was unprecedented and bordering on cruel and unusual. Seriously - everyone knows that I need an outlet.
2. Bobby having a crap fantasy team. This is his own fault.
Bobby - I do apologize. I am passing the peace pipe made out of an olive branch, decommissioning the site and hoping to move past the genius that was Free Ethan.
Ethan
ps Please stay tuned for my new blog - "Titan of Etiquette"
Please accept my apology for dragging your good name through the mud.
After we spoke yesterday it became clear that I acted in a manner that may have been hurtful. So, after apologizing to you over the phone for hurting your feelings I wanted to send a letter numerating how I have wronged you.
Things I am apologizing for:
1. The often and frequent insinuations that I may have had inappropriate relations with the maternal side of Bobby's family.
2. The inappropriate relations that I had with Bobby himself.
3. The insinuation that Bobby's maternal side may have sexually contracted diseases
4. The frequent jokes about bobby being a butt doctor. In reality, Bobby is a neurosurgeon. He just enjoys butt play.
5. The sarcasm of this apology letter; its not my fault. I am truly sorry. I just have a difficult time expressing myself sincerely.
6. Bobby's poor choice in who he chooses to be friends with.
7. The insidious insinuation that Bobby has sexual relations with pets.
8. The Day of Rage. I apologize to all the innocents who were harmed by the ensuing mayhem after I declared that there be a day of rage.
9. The entire concept of Free Ethan.
Things I am not apologizing for:
1. Everything that I said up to the point of Bobby banishing me from further posting in the league. This was unprecedented and bordering on cruel and unusual. Seriously - everyone knows that I need an outlet.
2. Bobby having a crap fantasy team. This is his own fault.
Bobby - I do apologize. I am passing the peace pipe made out of an olive branch, decommissioning the site and hoping to move past the genius that was Free Ethan.
Ethan
ps Please stay tuned for my new blog - "Titan of Etiquette"
Saturday, April 2, 2011
VICTORY!!!!
Friends and compatriots,
Today we can declare VICTORY. Bobby crumbled under the pressure. I don't know if it was the weight of this community or 27 days of my fasting or knowing that not allowing me to post in our league only hurts himself. There are so many possibilities; none of which I will explore. What will I explore? Why did Bobby become an ass surgeon:
1. The perks. When an ass surgeon gets accredited by the ass surgeon academy, all ass surgeons get unlimited anal bleachings. This was a perk that Bobby could not turn down since he became addicted to anal bleachings in his sophomore year of high school.
2. Bobby became an ass surgeon because he thought he would be able to bleach his patient's anuses. Bobby was incorrect.
(By the way - I just read this to Emma who asked, "Ethan why are you obsessed with anal bleaching"? My response: Why is Bobby obsessed with anal bleaching.)
3. Because there's no other profession that gets farted on more often than those in ass surgery. Who wouldn't want a career where you go home smelling like a medley of farts? Bobby didn't have to spend 7 years in med-school to make this happen. He just needed to spend some time with my in-laws (who - by the way - read this blog).
4. Because he secretly loves that after becoming a surgeon his idiot friends can still ride him harder than I ride his grandma every Tuesday.
5. The CME conferences. Do you know how much fun it is to spend a weekend with other ass surgeons?
6. All the pull my finger jokes.
Within a few days I will be decommissioning this site and starting a new blog titled, "Ethan: Titan of Etiquette". This blog will explore all the ways that I have mastered etiquette and all the ways that you must improve yours.
Today we can declare VICTORY. Bobby crumbled under the pressure. I don't know if it was the weight of this community or 27 days of my fasting or knowing that not allowing me to post in our league only hurts himself. There are so many possibilities; none of which I will explore. What will I explore? Why did Bobby become an ass surgeon:
1. The perks. When an ass surgeon gets accredited by the ass surgeon academy, all ass surgeons get unlimited anal bleachings. This was a perk that Bobby could not turn down since he became addicted to anal bleachings in his sophomore year of high school.
2. Bobby became an ass surgeon because he thought he would be able to bleach his patient's anuses. Bobby was incorrect.
(By the way - I just read this to Emma who asked, "Ethan why are you obsessed with anal bleaching"? My response: Why is Bobby obsessed with anal bleaching.)
3. Because there's no other profession that gets farted on more often than those in ass surgery. Who wouldn't want a career where you go home smelling like a medley of farts? Bobby didn't have to spend 7 years in med-school to make this happen. He just needed to spend some time with my in-laws (who - by the way - read this blog).
4. Because he secretly loves that after becoming a surgeon his idiot friends can still ride him harder than I ride his grandma every Tuesday.
5. The CME conferences. Do you know how much fun it is to spend a weekend with other ass surgeons?
6. All the pull my finger jokes.
Within a few days I will be decommissioning this site and starting a new blog titled, "Ethan: Titan of Etiquette". This blog will explore all the ways that I have mastered etiquette and all the ways that you must improve yours.
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