A Must See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N0w2rORwSc

Open Letter of Apology to Bobby

Dear Bobby,

Please accept my apology for dragging your good name through the mud.

After we spoke yesterday it became clear that I acted in a manner that may have been hurtful. So, after apologizing to you over the phone for hurting your feelings I wanted to send a letter numerating how I have wronged you.

Things I am apologizing for:
1. The often and frequent insinuations that I may have had inappropriate relations with the maternal side of Bobby's family.
2. The inappropriate relations that I had with Bobby himself.
3. The insinuation that Bobby's maternal side may have sexually contracted diseases
4. The frequent jokes about bobby being a butt doctor. In reality, Bobby is a neurosurgeon. He just enjoys butt play.
5. The sarcasm of this apology letter; its not my fault. I am truly sorry. I just have a difficult time expressing myself sincerely.
6. Bobby's poor choice in who he chooses to be friends with.
7. The insidious insinuation that Bobby has sexual relations with pets.
8. The Day of Rage. I apologize to all the innocents who were harmed by the ensuing mayhem after I declared that there be a day of rage.
9. The entire concept of Free Ethan.

Things I am not apologizing for:
1. Everything that I said up to the point of Bobby banishing me from further posting in the league. This was unprecedented and bordering on cruel and unusual. Seriously - everyone knows that I need an outlet.
2. Bobby having a crap fantasy team. This is his own fault.

Bobby - I do apologize. I am passing the peace pipe made out of an olive branch, decommissioning the site and hoping to move past the genius that was Free Ethan.

Ethan
ps Please stay tuned for my new blog - "Titan of Etiquette"

VICTORY!!!!

Friends and compatriots,

Today we can declare VICTORY. Bobby crumbled under the pressure. I don't know if it was the weight of this community or 27 days of my fasting or knowing that not allowing me to post in our league only hurts himself. There are so many possibilities; none of which I will explore. What will I explore? Why did Bobby become an ass surgeon:

1. The perks. When an ass surgeon gets accredited by the ass surgeon academy, all ass surgeons get unlimited anal bleachings. This was a perk that Bobby could not turn down since he became addicted to anal bleachings in his sophomore year of high school.
2. Bobby became an ass surgeon because he thought he would be able to bleach his patient's anuses. Bobby was incorrect.
(By the way - I just read this to Emma who asked, "Ethan why are you obsessed with anal bleaching"? My response: Why is Bobby obsessed with anal bleaching.)
3. Because there's no other profession that gets farted on more often than those in ass surgery. Who wouldn't want a career where you go home smelling like a medley of farts? Bobby didn't have to spend 7 years in med-school to make this happen. He just needed to spend some time with my in-laws (who - by the way - read this blog).
4. Because he secretly loves that after becoming a surgeon his idiot friends can still ride him harder than I ride his grandma every Tuesday.
5. The CME conferences. Do you know how much fun it is to spend a weekend with other ass surgeons?
6. All the pull my finger jokes.

Within a few days I will be decommissioning this site and starting a new blog titled, "Ethan: Titan of Etiquette". This blog will explore all the ways that I have mastered etiquette and all the ways that you must improve yours.

Hunger Strike: Day 17

Maintaining a hunger strike for this long is far from easy. But I am motivated by the need to see Bobby fall from his perch of obstruction. During this period of fasting I have maintained open communication with Bobby and I see cracks forming. Please see below for one of the more disturbing things Bobby has communicated. Please, please, please do not read if you are sensitive. I have no idea why Bobby would say or think such a thing.

This is what Bobby said: Ethan, you are my pet project. And I rape my pets.

This is just foul. Disturbing. Not surprising as the further he gets backed into a corner the more likely he is to lash out. The more pressure this community puts on Bobby the sooner he will fall.

Many people have asked how the hunger strike is coming along. Well - it has been a long and hard 2.5 weeks.

I had no choice but to take a break over the weekend to enjoy a fantastic meal prepared by one side of Emma's family. Incredible chicken followed by amazing cupcakes. Before, during and after we had wine. As a digestif I allowed Emma's father to beat me in cribbage and backgammon. I'd hate to humiliate him and lose my dowry.

Apologies to anyone who was offended by Bobby's comments.

Open Letter to Bobby From My Future Father-in-Law

This is an open letter to Bobby authored by Dale - one of my two future fathers-in-law. This letter is well researched, well written and very funny. Please have a read:

Bobby:

There can be no doubt that you are the most qualified person in your collective to be able to identify an asshole. Unlike the rest of us you certainly have your head around, or vice versa, a number of assholes. So I sincerely appreciate your view both on assholes and on the very principled struggle going on within the collective.

I too have problems with my future son-in-law. He demanded an extensive dowry for marrying my maiden daughter. But he is not willing to negotiate alternatives. For example he is requiring six laying hens and a rooster which is fine. Tina and I went to the Half Moon Bay Feed and Fuel this past weekend. They had ten day old bard rocs, good layers with excellent meat when the girls get old, but I was going to have to supply a heat lamp for these young chicks. I suggested an alternative of two white tom turkeys old enough to live in the apartment until they weighed maybe ten pounds and could fight off the backyard cats, raccoons, and the homeless. Reasonable alternative? I think so!!! But not even an answer.

He continues to demand two goats. We recently looked at goats in Pescadero. But how do you get a couple of goats to the Haight in a rented Prius? Does he even know how to milk goats? As you know, to adequately milk goats it is necessary to study Ignacy Jan Paderewski’s (1860 to 1941) exercises for his concerts in here in the United States, where 20,000 attended his Madison Square Garden concert in 1922. Who can ever forget the Fantasie Polonaise? I bet he doesn’t even know that Paderewski was Prime Minister of Poland in 1919. It is important to know that Paderewski “warmed up” for his concerts by milking a goat or two – the index finger “grab” followed by a rhythmic flexing of the fingers. Is Ethan going to play at Carnegie Hall? Another career change? Can’t he keep a job?

We are very worried that he will swear a blood oath under Sharia Law and have us stoned, like with rocks not the other kind which might be okay, because he thinks we have insulted an ancestor who walked across Judea with Herod in 38 BC.

Best of luck. Keep your AK47 locked and loaded!!!!

Self-Immolation

I gotta say, self-immolation is not as hard as I was expecting. Mohamed Bouazizi was a brave dude for doing it, but once you light the match, it's more exhilarating than a night with Bobby's mom. (Honestly - not that exhilarating; I'd rather be washing dishes.)

The first few moments sting a bit and then there's definitely a burning sensation. But, it's not much worse than the chlamydia I just contracted from Bobby's mom or the unidentified fungal infection I got from his grandma. Was that too far? Don't worry most of it was consensual. The only time it wasn't was when his grandma insisted I use 3 cucumbers instead of 2. I'm just now starting to be able to sit again.

Since the self-immolation I have applied aloe every hour on the hour and that's helped quite a bit. I highly recommend using Grandpa Brands which contains trace amounts of patchouli. I first went with generic CVS aloe but that was not as effective in counteracting the since erupting boils. By the way - I could live without the boils.

Now that I've set expectations, I can't wait to hear about how all of the Free Ethan readers are going to do the same to protest Bobby.

Remember, use Grandpa Brands aloe.

Hunger Strike: Day 1.25

Just had lunch.

It was mediocre. Cafeteria sushi just isn't that good. In honor of the hunger strike I had only a couple of rolls. California rolls.

I have now been on hunger strike since dinner last night. So far the hunger strike has been easier than expected. Excluding breakfast and lunch I have not eaten for about 18 hours. Pretty good.

Not sure what all the fuss about Gandhi was.

I think Bobby is about to crumble in the face of my sacrifice.

Hunger Strike: Day 1

Folks,

The hunger strike has begun. I have been without food since I had Trader Joe's Triple Berry O's for breakfast. By the way, absolutely delicious. They put in just enough of the sweet stuff so that you are willing to put up with the nasty oat and twigs type crap. Without the sweet stuff it would taste like an Armenian man's testicles. Not bad, but I would only try it for money or on a dare. I've done it on a dare

The fast has been going for 12 minutes strong.

In these 12 minutes I have been compared to Gandhi, MLK and Mohamed Bouazizi. Oh, I just realized that many of this blog's readers are not as well read as I and might not be familiar with Bouazizi. Wake up people! There's a world out there that is bigger than you. Here is the wikipedia post that I read to familiarize myself with this person.

My next post will be about my self-immolation.

Special thanks to Nury who has been the one and only person to comment.

Day of Rage

Let me start by saying I don't know what a Day of Rage consists of. But it seemed to work well for the Egyptians against Hosni Mubarak so I'm going to do the same thing in my quest for justice against Bobby Yavrouian.

If anyone has any suggestions as to how I should proceed please comment.

What I will be doing is resigning my decade long position as accountant for the league. As the accountant my responsibilities included receiving the manager's money and then paying out the winners. I will be resigning for two reasons:

1. Bobby clearly hates Jews and I will have nothing to do with that. Why should I be the accountant? Because I'm a Jew? What next; am I going to grow horns? am I going to daven with my chevre? am I going to study the talmud? am I going to live in a West Bank settlement? I will not tolerate his Jew bating anymore.

2. It's a shit job. It is more befitting for an ass surgeon (yes - Bobby is an ass surgeon) to do an ass job than anyone else.

Tomorrow I will begin my hunger strike.

Injustice: Day 1

Dear friends and compatriots,

The rumors are true. Bobby has blocked me from communicating to our fantasy baseball league. For those unfamiliar with fantasy baseball, this is as bad as it sounds. And totally unprecedented.

Tomorrow I will start a Day of Rage to protest this abhorrent behavior. Check back tomorrow to see my post on the Day of Rage.

Please read below to see text from the my post to the league that got me banned. At the bottom of the section, I have highlighted in red the most creative part:

Hands down Bobby gets the crown for BIGGEST DRAFT DAY LOSER. And it's not even close. Its hands down.

Jeter? In the first round? When Bautista was available. Just a complete shit first round pick.

Then, you followed it up by taking a closer too early. Is this really the area of your team that needs to be shored up? I guess when your team looks like a particularly loose piece of swiss cheese no options are great.

Then you drafted a young catcher who is unproven and injured for almost all of of last year. You really got on your knees, prayed to the Gods of luck, tickled their balls, sucked their dick and hoped their jizzm isnt so big that you choke on it.

Bobby made his shit team worse.

Thanks for your donation.

Ethan

Dedication

This blog is dedicated to all the men and woman who have been oppressed by the brutal fantasy baseball regime of Bobby Hosni Kadafi Yavrouian.

Free Ethan! We will no longer be muzzled!!!!