Open Letter to Bobby From My Future Father-in-Law

This is an open letter to Bobby authored by Dale - one of my two future fathers-in-law. This letter is well researched, well written and very funny. Please have a read:

Bobby:

There can be no doubt that you are the most qualified person in your collective to be able to identify an asshole. Unlike the rest of us you certainly have your head around, or vice versa, a number of assholes. So I sincerely appreciate your view both on assholes and on the very principled struggle going on within the collective.

I too have problems with my future son-in-law. He demanded an extensive dowry for marrying my maiden daughter. But he is not willing to negotiate alternatives. For example he is requiring six laying hens and a rooster which is fine. Tina and I went to the Half Moon Bay Feed and Fuel this past weekend. They had ten day old bard rocs, good layers with excellent meat when the girls get old, but I was going to have to supply a heat lamp for these young chicks. I suggested an alternative of two white tom turkeys old enough to live in the apartment until they weighed maybe ten pounds and could fight off the backyard cats, raccoons, and the homeless. Reasonable alternative? I think so!!! But not even an answer.

He continues to demand two goats. We recently looked at goats in Pescadero. But how do you get a couple of goats to the Haight in a rented Prius? Does he even know how to milk goats? As you know, to adequately milk goats it is necessary to study Ignacy Jan Paderewski’s (1860 to 1941) exercises for his concerts in here in the United States, where 20,000 attended his Madison Square Garden concert in 1922. Who can ever forget the Fantasie Polonaise? I bet he doesn’t even know that Paderewski was Prime Minister of Poland in 1919. It is important to know that Paderewski “warmed up” for his concerts by milking a goat or two – the index finger “grab” followed by a rhythmic flexing of the fingers. Is Ethan going to play at Carnegie Hall? Another career change? Can’t he keep a job?

We are very worried that he will swear a blood oath under Sharia Law and have us stoned, like with rocks not the other kind which might be okay, because he thinks we have insulted an ancestor who walked across Judea with Herod in 38 BC.

Best of luck. Keep your AK47 locked and loaded!!!!