Self-Immolation

I gotta say, self-immolation is not as hard as I was expecting. Mohamed Bouazizi was a brave dude for doing it, but once you light the match, it's more exhilarating than a night with Bobby's mom. (Honestly - not that exhilarating; I'd rather be washing dishes.)

The first few moments sting a bit and then there's definitely a burning sensation. But, it's not much worse than the chlamydia I just contracted from Bobby's mom or the unidentified fungal infection I got from his grandma. Was that too far? Don't worry most of it was consensual. The only time it wasn't was when his grandma insisted I use 3 cucumbers instead of 2. I'm just now starting to be able to sit again.

Since the self-immolation I have applied aloe every hour on the hour and that's helped quite a bit. I highly recommend using Grandpa Brands which contains trace amounts of patchouli. I first went with generic CVS aloe but that was not as effective in counteracting the since erupting boils. By the way - I could live without the boils.

Now that I've set expectations, I can't wait to hear about how all of the Free Ethan readers are going to do the same to protest Bobby.

Remember, use Grandpa Brands aloe.